


The Piano Teacher

by my_kylo_ren_fics



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood, Classical Musicians, Drama, Drug Addiction, Everyone is a Musician, F/M, Hux works at a froyo place, Kylo Ren Plays the Piano, Musicians, Piano, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:26:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6600310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_kylo_ren_fics/pseuds/my_kylo_ren_fics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your fingers constantly misstep and stumble over the keys while he watches you. You can’t exactly help it though – Kylo Ren is the world’s greatest pianist and he just happens to be your teacher. It also doesn’t help that you’re hopelessly attracted to the man.</p><p>Once he finally starts to reveal his feelings for you, you realize there’s so much more to him than what meets the eye. What dark secrets has Kylo Ren been hiding from you?</p><p>Completed fic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“How the hell did you fuck it up again?” Kylo Ren said.  
  
“I d-don’t know!” you spluttered back.

“Start from the beginning, _again.”_  
  
You felt a single tear roll down your face. You knew the damn étude inside and out. You had practiced for hours and hours, until your fingers were numb against the piano keys. In the safety and comfort of your own home, your fingers moved mechanically, correctly hitting every key. 

Unfortunately for you though, it didn’t matter how much you practiced before your lessons. The second you walked into Kylo Ren’s studio, your whole body shifted into a panic. It was like you hadn’t touched a piano between your last lesson and your current lesson. Your fingers sloppily hit more than one key at once or you sometimes forgot what key you were playing in. You were always nervous.

_Who wouldn’t be nervous with one of the world’s greatest pianists as a teacher?_

You glanced over at him, noting the disappointment that seemed to be permanently etched into his face. 

At 25 years old, he had taken home a Grammy Award for best classical album. He’d been featured on stage with the premiere orchestras of the world, playing a variety of piano concertos. He’d played for some of the most famous people on the entire planet. Hell, the man was featured on the cover of Time magazine, along with every other magazine.

And, of course, to top it all off, he was your teacher. Your parents had sent him a CD of your piano recital from your senior year of high school. Over two years ago, he accepted you as his one and only student.

_How could you impress someone like him?_

He was incredibly talented and one of the world’s most handsome bachelors.  His black hair always fell in a mess of waves around his face. His long nose was as stern and angular as his personality. Directly under that nose rested a pair of chapped pink lips that he frequently nibbled on as he held back his frustration. 

You took a shaky breath in through your nose and released it from your mouth as you tried to recollect yourself. Your confidence was failing you, as it always did by the middle of your lesson. There was only so much emotional torture that you could handle. You gently repeated the same opening figure, but managed to hit D naturals instead of D sharps.

“No!” Kylo shouted. 

Your hands smashed in surprise against the piano keys. His anger was always jarring to you. 

He shoved your hands away from the keyboard, “Move!”

You stood and walked around the bench, taking the chair he had been sitting in. 

For a few moments, there was a deafening silence in the room as he mentally prepared to play. Then, you watched as his wide hands overtook the keys. He paused in that position for a second or two until he slammed his left hand into the beginning notes of the piece.

And, as soon as he started playing, you couldn’t even be bothered to watch his hands. You stared at his deep brown eyes that were focused on the keyboard. His emotions seeped out through his face as his fingers effortlessly glided across the piano. He knew the piece so well, it was almost as if he had written it.

The étude shifted midway through from a whirlwind of antagonizing pain to a much softer and melancholy section. His eyebrows moved upwards on his face as he closed his eyes, savoring the brief musical interruption. It sounded almost like longing and searching for something.

The middle section abruptly melded into the the recapitulation of the piece. It featured the same haunting melody as the beginning. You could feel your heart being ripped out of your chest as he poured every ounce of himself into his playing. His face contorted with anger and pain as he slammed his hands violently through the ending of the piece. 

The emotion behind the piece was enough to make you easily forget the brief blips of the wrong notes he played. 

He ripped his hands away from the keyboard, as if it were a hot stove and turned on the bench. 

You couldn’t play like that and you knew it. You nervously looked down to your intertwined hands.

That’s why your parents wanted you to take lessons with him - he could play the piano with the emotion you clearly lacked. Sure, you could outplay him technique-wise, but, when it came to playing with emotion? He easily trampled you.

“When you play, I don’t know whether I should laugh or pity your emotionless playing.”

_Ouch._

You looked away from your hands and up to his face. His brown eyes focused on yours.

There were a few moments of silence between the two of you. What could you say in response to that?

“Do you feel anything?”  
  
You felt the heat rushing to your face. It was hard _not_ to feel anything with his  immensely striking face staring at you. You couldn’t continue the staring contest with him. You broke eye contact and looked back down to your hands.

Of course, you felt emotions. You watched as hot tears slipped off the edge of your nose and onto your hands. You were a human being with walls built around yourself. It was for your own good. 

If you didn’t let anyone in, you would never get hurt again. You couldn’t stand anymore heartbreak.

His hand crossed into your vision and felt his side of his index finger rest under your chin. He lightly lifted your chin which forced your eyes back to his.

He quietly whispered your name before speaking again, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you,” he pleaded. 

His thumb moved in soft circles against your chin. 

“Do you feel _anything_?”

You couldn’t respond to his question. The wave of emotions that ran over you were just too much. You were drowning inside.

He sighed and shook his head, removing his hand from underneath your chin.

“We’ll continue this next week.”


	2. Chapter 2

The week had come and gone quickly. Somehow, you were back in Kylo Ren’s studio, seated at his piano, yet again.

Today was different from your regular lesson. It wasn’t because of the piano or the music. Today, Kylo wasn’t in his usual sweater and jean combination. Instead, he wore a solid gray colored suit with a crisp white shirt. A solid dark blue tie hung from around his neck.

Why was he so dressed up? Did he have a date after this or before? Your stomach dropped into your shoes. That’s when an absolutely terrifying thought hit you - what if he was dating someone already?

Your brain managed to get you so riled up. Your heart was attempting to jump out of your chest and your hands shook as they hovered about the piano keys. Instead of just missing one or two notes, you managed to miss almost every note in the piece. It didn’t even sound like the étude.

“What the fuck is going on, Y/N? This is worse than it was last week. I thought that was terrible, but… This?” he scoffed.

He rose quickly from his chair and just exploded with rage, “You have the nerve to waste my time!”

And, for once in your life, you fought him!

“I practiced,” you shot back, “I practice every day!”

Where the hell did that come from?

He wasn’t listening to you anymore though. He was too busy stomping across the wood floors of the studio.

“Why are you lying to me? You obviously don’t practice, you fucking brat!” He shouted. “You have this natural gift for playing and you are just letting it slip away because you won’t take the time to practice. This is all my god damn fault! I don’t inspire you to become a better player. I’m a failure as a teacher! I’m not good enough!”

He picked up one of the framed pictures on the wall and threw it angrily across the room. The frame exploded when it hit the wall, sending glass spraying everywhere.

You ducked behind the large piano. You’d never seen him like this before. You gulped as you continued to hide. Your body shook with the adrenaline that began to course through your veins.

Was he always so angry on the inside?

He smashed a few more objects before there was an eerie silence in the room. You lifted your head and stared at Kylo Ren. You heard him let out a deep sigh and watched his shoulders heaving up and down.

You shivered as he turned towards you.

Would he hurt you? Should you run?

You couldn’t run from him. The glass all over the floor would be far too dangerous to run through, even with your boots on. You curled up in a defenseless ball on the piano bench.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

You lifted your head from your knees and watched as he closed the lid to the piano. He buried his hands into his pants pockets.

“Sometimes, I have a hard time controlling all this anger. That’s why I started playing piano,” he admitted as he shamefully glanced away from you. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I would never hurt anything with a pulse. I only take it out on objects.”

That’s what every abusive person would said before they hit their significant other. And then, they would claim they would never do it again. You’d seen it before, hundreds of times.

You sniffled as you tightened your arms around your legs. You hadn’t realized you were even crying because you were still so frightened.

“Y/N,” he said, “I’m just upset because you’re wasting your talent. In the last two years, your playing has declined with my teaching. I’m a failure as an instructor.”

He knelt down to your level and used his thumb to smooth your tears away. His thumb ran in soothing circles against your cheek. His eyes watered helplessly as he looked at you. He seemed to be truthfully sorry about his rage.

“I won’t give up on you,” he whispered, “if you promise that you won’t give up on me.”

“I don’t know if I can promise that,” you said as you pulled away from him.

He nodded as he took his lip in between his teeth.

“I understand. I’ll be gone for the next two weeks on tour,” he shifted away from you. “My very good friend, Phasma, will be your instructor while I’m gone. After that, we will talk about options. She may have a space in her private studio.”

“Okay.”

He let out a sigh and said the same exact thing you did.

“Okay.”

* * *

 

The next week, you sat in a smaller and incredibly sparsely decorated room.

“Play something for me that you worked on with Kylo.”

You closed your eyes and tried to channel all the emotions that had passed through your body. He gave up on you. Your teacher didn’t think you were any good at what you had devoted most of your life to. That wasn’t the part that hurt the most… No, what caused you to cry every night for a week straight was the fact that Kylo had pushed you away and there was nothing you could do to get him back. He ran away from whatever was happening.

You suddenly channeled a rage rather unknown to you and plowed your way through the étude. And, all you could hear was clapping.

You turned on the bench and saw Phasma clapping in the corner of the small studio.

“Now, that is what I call magnificent.”

You shrugged and said a small thank you. It was just how you played.

“I have no idea what Kylo was talking about,” Phasma said. “Your playing reflects his style but, at the same time, you bring your own strengths to the table. It’s simply astonishing. Excellent.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’s the issue?” she asked with a raised brow.

“Uh,” you looked down at your hands.

“I know that Kylo Ren isn’t so open to talking about things, but I really find it does a person well to just say what is on their chest. There must be something going on that makes you come across as less than what you are in front of him.”

Should you tell her? There was no guarantee that she wouldn’t go straight to Kylo and tell him that you were incredibly attracted to him. Even if you were conflicted about the last lesson you had, you couldn’t really help your emotions.

Could you tell her that you dreamed about pressing your lips against his whenever he nibbled his lips in frustration? Or that you fantasized about running your fingers through his thick waves? You were distracted with thoughts about what he’d be like as a lover… with his face between your legs as he pleasured you.

You shifted as you glanced back to Phasma.

Okay, you definitely couldn’t tell her about your crush on him.

So, you told her the thing that was closest to the truth.

“I get nervous,” you admitted.

“Do you get nervous around other people? Or, is this just around Kylo?” she said.

“J-Just him.”

“Alright, well, we can fix that,” she said. “We’ll do a few exercises every lesson to help you get through your nerves. I don’t think I can really teach you much about music that you don’t already know. This is more important anyways.”

“Okay.”

“The first thing you’re going to do before every lesson, is you’re going to eat a banana.”

“A banana?” you asked, incredulously. What the heck would a banana do for your anxiety.

“It’s an old musician’s trick. Banana’s are like natural beta blockers. I always eat a banana before a performance.”

You nodded.

“The next thing we’re going to do is have Hux come in during the next lesson. He’s close with Kylo too and they’re pretty similar when it comes to personality. They’re like two peas in a pod,” she laughed as she wrote something in her notebook.

“And, then, I think you know what the final test will be. If we can’t get you to play like that in front of Kylo… then you are more than welcome to join my studio. You’re not going to just run away from your problems like he does. We’re going to face this head on.”

“Yeah…”

“So, let’s get started,” she smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

A few stray tears escaped your eyes. It was impossible. You couldn’t even begin to make sense of this new piece. Your fingers moved without a single misstep across the keys like an adept ballerina.

There was only one issue. You couldn’t get the piece to sound even remotely musical. Every time you tried to make your way through the last movement, it just sounded like a flurry of notes.

“Don’t be afraid,” Phasma said. “The fear is constricting you right now. Take a deep breath and try it again. This time, try not to focus on playing the right notes. Try to focus on feeling the music through your body.”

You nodded, wiping your tears with the sleeve of your shirt. You put your fingers to the keys and took a shaky breath.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“How about we head across the street and get froyo?”

“Uh,” you said as you took your hands away from the piano.

“We’ve been at this for hours. There’s nothing more that we can do right now. A break would do us both some good. Besides, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, you were standing around in the brightly painted frozen yogurt shop just across the street. You shoved your spoon eagerly into your favorite flavor of frozen yogurt, adorned with all your favorite toppings. When was the last time you had something so decadent? You indulged.

You had worked hard in the past week and you most definitely deserved it.

“So, you’re the infamous Y/N,” a stern looking man sat down at the brightly colored table, across from you and directly next to Phasma.

His pale face was the same color as the white walls of the store. His blue eyes were a soft color that complimented his skin. Your eyes drifted up to his wild bright orange hair. In order to make himself look a little less wild, you noticed his hair looked freshly cut.

Phasma gave a hearty laugh, “Y/N, this is Hux. Hux, this is Y/N.”

“No need for the introduction - I feel as if I already know you,” he said with a slight smirk. His eyes traveled up and down your body.

Was he checking you out? How uncomfortable.

An awkward silence fell between the three of you. You had no idea what to say. Was it a good thing that he felt that he already knew you… or a bad thing?

Phasma slapped her cup of frozen yogurt against the table.

“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room right now?”

“Which one? There’s five painted on these aesthetically pleasing murals. I personally prefer the sparkly purple one with the fairy wings over the other four.”

You laughed for the first time in a very long time. For some reason, you could just imagine Hux staring the tiny purple elephant as the hours of his shift ticked away.

That, in and of itself, was hilarious. A man who seemed so stern and militaristic in his appearance had a favorite elephant.

You glanced upwards and stared at the winged elephant while you still chuckled. You had to admit - it was pretty darn cute.

“Okay, it wasn’t that funny,” Phasma grumbled as she scooped out more of her froyo and shoved it into her mouth.

“Y/N,” Hux said, turning all his attention to you, “Are you dating anyone?”

You nearly choked on your spoon. Was he being serious? You looked into his frosty blue eyes as you continued to cough.

“Hux!” Phasma chided, “Apologize! That was rude!”

“Sorry,” he said, almost as convincingly as a child who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar, “It was for a friend.”

“Sure it was,” you said with a small eye roll. He was about as subtle as that elephant on the wall.

There was something that Phasma and Hux obviously needed to talk about but didn’t feel comfortable about doing it around you.

“I should be heading home now though.”

“Oh, it is getting late,” Phasma agreed.

You picked up your cup and walked over to the trash can.

“Y/N. Great job today. Keep working on that new piece. Promise me that you wont give up?,” Phasma said with a wink.

Your mind went back to the last conversation you had with Kylo Ren:

“I won’t give up on you if you promise that you won’t give up on me.”

Your heart felt as if it was breaking all over again.

“Thank you for the froyo,” you quickly said to both of them before running out of the door as fast as you could.

* * *

 

Almost a half hour later, you were back home, safe and sound, in your bed.

What a wild day. You had cried during your lesson, met the infamous Hux, and stared at the purple elephant with fairy wings.

You were pretty happy.

It almost didn’t matter to you that Kylo wasn’t around for another week. It didn’t matter that you’d have to make the choice of whether or not you’d continue taking lessons from Kylo.

You were infinitely more comfortable taking lessons from Phasma. She was like a protective mother. She was a caring and sweet woman but you really didn’t want to test her limits. There was no doubt in your mind that if you rubbed her the wrong way, she could easily become a very nasty person.

Unfortunately, at the same time, she didn’t push you to your limits like Kylo Ren did. You didn’t feel like you were working your hardest. You weren’t as physically tired as usual.

You lay there, wondering what Kylo would be up to right now.

You pulled out your cell phone and scrolled through your contacts.

You clicked his name. His cell phone number was only in there in case you needed to cancel a lesson.

Should you call him?

No. What would you even talk about? How much you missed his abrasive attitude?

It wasn’t worth it.

Instead, you went onto YouTube and typed his name into the search bar. You hit play on the first video - it was the one you’d watched hundreds of times.

Kylo Ren plays Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 3.

That piece was the reason he catapulted into the limelight. It truly an expression of his soul. There were moments of bliss and happiness; and yet, even in those moments, there was always a sense of overwhelming grief that loomed just in the distance. The darkness always had a way of infecting the happiest moments of the concerto.

He was emotionally invested in the piece. You could hear it in every note he played.

Would he be as expressive of a lover?

You could imagine him, kissing your lips so fiercely, like he needed your kiss in order to continue living. He would cradle your head in his hands. His soft brown eyes would search yours before he would ask if you wanted to keep going. And, of course, you would say yes. His soft and slightly chapped lips would tug against yours, begging you to let his tongue into your mouth. You would run your fingers through his hair when your tongues finally started to dance with each other.

A loud chord jolted you out of your momentary lapse into fantasy land.

If only he would kiss you like that in real life…

You felt the happiness evaporate from your body in that moment. He would never kiss you like that.

Naturally, you reacted by turning up the volume on your headphones and allowing the beautiful sounds of his music pour over you.

The shift in the music caused your mind to wander elsewhere.

The dark and unsettling feeling of the new section of music caused a vivid image to appear in your mind.

You could imagine the look he had on his face when you had left his studio… it haunted you like a vengeful spirit. You’d never be able to forget the pain etched into his face. He looked as if someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it.

That image felt like salt in a wound. You could feel your eyes begin to water.

You couldn’t help but think that you really screwed up whatever the two of you previously had. There would be no way to fix it.

It was nearing two o’clock in the morning. You wouldn’t be able to fix it right now. It’d have to wait. It was time for you to get some sleep. You let the music continue to play as you shut your eyes and tried to will yourself to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Your rain boots dripped water all over the carpeted floor of the hallway that led to Kylo Ren’s studio. This was the ultimate test. After two short weeks of preparations and exercises, Phasma had deemed you ready to return to Kylo Ren.

Would he be impressed with your improvement since he left? Would you finally be able to show him what you could really do? Were you ready to be vulnerable in front of him?

These questions swirled in your head as you slipped your feet out of your rain boots and into your warm slippers. Instead of dressing up in uncomfortable but cute clothing, you wore only your most comfortable clothing, at Phasma’s recommendation.

You felt oddly at ease as you sat in the chair just outside the door of his studio.

And, when the clocked ticked precisely on the hour, the door to the studio opened.

“Y/N,” he said softly.

“Hi,” you replied hastily and jumped to your feet. “How was the tour?”

Kylo smiled gently, “Fine.”

Exhaustion was clearly etched across his face. His red-rimmed eyes stared you down. Why did he look so exhausted? You could barely make out the small brim of his brown irises because his pupils were so dilated.

As your eyes trailed further down, you assumed he knew you’d be wearing comfortable clothing because he was dressed similarly. He wore a pair of gray sweat pants with a long sleeved black shirt.

He looked different… and not in a good way…

You moved closer to him.

He didn’t move out of your way so you could walk into the studio. You cleared your throat.

“Come in,” he said, stepping to the side, but still holding the door open for you.

That should have told you immediately that something was wrong with him. He was being so polite and friendly. It was incredibly out of character.

You made your way to his piano.Your hands moved with finesse across the keys. You poured every part of yourself into your playing. As you neared the end of the piece, you could feel tears slipping out of your eyes.

You felt his knee brush up against yours as he sat next to you.

As the final note of the piece rang out through the studio, you allowed you hands to drop to your lap.

You turned to Kylo. He had straddled the piano bench between his two long legs. You could clearly see what he had going on down there. Why is he so excited right now? You could feel your face heating up. You averted your eyes and stared at the wood floors.

You felt much warmer when he placed both of his hands on either side of your face.

“Look at me,” he whispered.

Your eyes met his. You had forgotten how brown his eyes were since he’d been gone for so long. He tenderly moved forward, keeping eye contact with you. He crossed half the distance between your faces.

His eyes darted from your lips up to your eyes.

“Y/N,” he whispered, “That was beautiful.”

You moved forward. You had wanted to kiss him since you had first met him. Now, though, you were hesitating. This was everything you wanted. It felt as if the world was being handed to you on a silver platter.

It was too good to be true.

“Kylo.”

He didn’t move.

“Ben,” he said, “My real name is Ben.”

Your lips were dangerously close. He didn’t move any closer to kiss you though. Should you kiss him? Something was definitely wrong. You just couldn’t put your finger on it.

At the same time, you also couldn’t resist him. It had been almost two weeks since you last saw him.

You desperately craved him.

“Ben.”

You closed the distance between your lips. Softly, your lips touched his. Your lips were screaming that you were in love with him. He let you lead the kiss, responding to whatever you did. It wasn’t enough, though. You needed to be let in further. You glided your tongue across his lips. He moaned and opened his mouth for you. God, that was sexy. Your hands grabbed his shirt.

“Fuck… Y/N,” he said as he tangled his fingers in your hair, kissing you back with more intensity.

When was the last time you had been kissed like this?

A sharp pain shot up your back. It was probably because you were in such an awkward position for kissing him. Half of your body, from your hips down, still faced the piano and the other half, from your hips up, still faced Kylo Ren. It was awkward, to say the least. You had to readjust yourself.

You had to break away for a moment. You pivoted your body. That momentary lapse caused him to move his face away from yours.

Tears poured out of his eyes as one of his hands dropped away from your face. You hadn’t realized he was crying while you were kissing. Oh, Ben, you thought. You wouldn’t have kept kissing him if you had noticed he was crying. You were too focused on the kiss itself to care.

“I wasn’t on tour. I was-”

He paused as if he was trying to find the right words. Would he open up to you?

“Snoke, my manager, called me two weeks ago to talk about scheduling another tour - my biggest tour yet. He said he wanted to meet in person to go over the details. I didn’t think that ” he put his head into his hands.

You waited patiently for him to finish his sentence.

“I didn’t think that he would want me to start using again. We went out to this club and I had a few drinks. Then, he was telling me he had something for me. He said it would help the anxiety and depression. I believed him and… I relapsed. I had been clean for five years and I threw it all away,” he said.

He lifted his head from his hands.

“I started taking Ecstasy.”

You really didn’t know what to say in response. How could you respond to that? What could you say? You were disappointed

His tears kept rolling down his face as he stared desperately into your eyes.

“Say something. Please. Anything. You can tell me that you hate me. Just,” his fingers grazed your face, “Please, say something.”

You cleared your throat.

“Are you on it right now?”

“Yes,” he said, wiping the tears off his face, “I took another pill about an hour ago.”

“Do you have any left?”

He fished around in the pocket of his pants before producing three pills.

“Just these.”

In his hands, he held three green pills that were stamped with stars on them. They almost looked like a child-friendly candy. No wonder these things got mixed in with Halloween candy every year. You placed your hand into his and wrapped your fingers around the pills.

He let you take the pills.

“I forgot how good it makes me feel. I can just say what I’m feeling without worrying about the consequences. I don’t feel as angry or irritable. I feel almost normal,” he admitted.

“But is this really normal?”

“No,” he said, “It wasn’t always like this. I had a happy childhood with two loving parents. Hell, we were like those stock family photos you see inside picture frames at any store. We were all happy. It didn’t stay that way for long.”

“What happened?”

“When I was a teenager, my parents shipped me off to boarding school. I had a hard time controlling my rage and they thought sending me away would help. It didn’t. I got into more fights at school, my grades dropped, and my parents split. It was my fault. The weight of it all just got to me. I started with less addictive drugs first - smoking weed and drinking alcohol - to cope.”

He fiddled with the hem of his sleeve.

“I dropped out of school and moved back in with my mom… and things only got worse from there.”

He didn’t want to continue talking. It was obvious by the way he looked at you. There was more in his past that he wasn’t telling you about.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

You pulled him in for a hug. You placed your chin on his shoulder, just holding him there. It was what he needed right now. He needed someone to support him, not to scold him for his drug use.

If anything, getting angry about the Ecstasy would just make him more emotionally unstable. It would be throwing gasoline on the fire.

You glanced down at your hand that still held the pills.

Did he have more pills that he wasn’t telling you about? You’d have to talk to Phasma or Hux about this.

After a few minutes, he pulled back. His hands rested on your hips.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

There was an awkward silence between the two of you. He obviously needed to tell you something else.

“I had sex with someone while I was gone,” he blurted out.

You didn’t want to know that. Sure, it was good to know that he probably wasn’t interested, but it still fucking hurt. All those good feelings towards him for opening up to you, about the ecstasy and his past, had completely dissolved.

Was this some kind of joke to him? Were your feelings a joke? He was just playing you.

“Congratulations,” you said, standing up. “It seems like you really have your life together. I will no longer continue my lessons with you.”

“What?” he said, shooting up from the bench.

“We’re done here.”

“Y/N, you didn’t let me finish.”

“You already finished with whatever girl you decided to put your dick in! And then, you have the nerve to manipulate me? To kiss me and then tell me your sob story? Why, so I would sleep with you too?” you shouted at him.

He opened his mouth to speak.

“Shut up!” you snapped.

His eyes went wide.

“This has all been some sick ruse. You have no right to talk to me – like I said before, we’re done here. You’re not fit to teach me anything. Goodbye.” you said as you stomped angrily across the floor.

You slammed the door behind you as you exited. You stomped your way down the hallway and you decided it was time to go home.

The rain splattered against your body. You really didn’t care that you were getting wet. There was no point in rushing the long walk. Either way, you would be completely drenched by the time you got home.

You stopped after a few minutes of trudging down the street.

You stared into the darkened window of Phasma’s studio. She wasn’t there. You needed to tell her you’d be taking lessons from her - sooner rather than later. Her offer might have changed in the past week. She could have found another student to take that slot in her studio.

You heard the dinging of a bell.

“Y/N?”

You turned around. You could clearly see Hux’s hair, standing out against the darkness.

“What are you doing out here?”

Helplessly, you shrugged. How would you even begin to explain?

You were happy to see him. He put a pair of keys into his pocket as you felt a smile creep up on your face. You didn’t know him as well as Phasma, but you still considered him a friend. He looked both ways before he jogged across the street.

You hadn’t even felt how hard you were getting pelted until his umbrella shielded you from the rain.

“Why are you out here in slippers?”

“Why? Because of this.” You opened up your fist. Inside of it, you could clearly still see the three green pills. They had deteriorated slightly from the rain but were still recognizable as pills.

His fingers pushed your damp hair out of your face.

You were so angry and so mad and confused all at once. You weren’t even sure if this was real. Was this what your life had come to? Trying to catch a cold in the rain? You had to check to make sure it was real.

The only way that would prove whether or not this was real happened to be an incredibly selfish action. You pressed your lips up to Hux’s.

Yes.

His lips felt warm against yours.

It took him a moment to respond, but when he did, it was nice. It was everything you needed at that moment. Validation that you existed at this moment. He lightly cupped your face in his hands.

The sound of his umbrella landing with a wet flop on the sidewalk woke you from your selfish trance.

You remembered Kylo.

You broke away from him.

It should have been the most romantic kiss ever - who didn’t want to be kissed in the rain by a good looking man? It was that cliché moment that most people dreamed about.

It wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. You just felt very cold and wet. On top of that, the kiss just didn’t feel right. There was no passion or anything behind it.

Would it have been different if you were kissing Kylo?

Probably not.

You came back into the moment and noticed Hux’s blue eyes searching yours. His face was contorted into a very toothy and unnatural smile. He must not have smiled often.

“What was that for?”

You didn’t have the balls to tell him it was just a reality check. No one wanted to be told that they were kissed for that reason.

“I don’t know,” you said, not looking him in the eyes.

He let his arms fall away from your face. Something happened at that moment. His eyes glazed over for a moment. He bent over and scooped up the umbrella.

“Come on, we need to get you out of this rain,” he said as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. The two of you walked like that, in the rain, down the street towards Hux’s apartment.

* * *

 

If you had turned around, you would have seen Kylo, standing a few hundred feet away. You would have seen his clothing stuck to his shaking body. If you had asked him why he was following you, he would have told you that he only wanted to make sure you’d get home. Even if you were angry with him, he wouldn’t let you run out in the rain and walk nearly a mile in the darkness.

He would follow you to the ends of the earth if he had to. He was ready to tell you right after you slammed the door in his face.

He was falling for you.

But, you obviously didn’t feel the same way. He scoffed as he realized that you were the one playing games.

“Why did you kiss Hux?” he whispered.

Your boots dangled helplessly from one of his hands. He gripped them tighter.

He wasn’t about to go down without a fight. He couldn’t care less about getting more Ecstasy. He would quit cold turkey if that meant you would come back. And, as for Hux? He wasn’t sure what he would do about that yet. He’d figure it out, though.

He knew he was ready to stand up for what he wanted: you.


	5. Chapter 5

You sighed as your eyes fluttered open. It was so warm in your bed, for once. It was surprisingly comfortable. It didn’t have that one weird indent that you always slept in.

Something was different but you were too sleepy to even care.

You turned to your side and you were face to face with Hux.

Why the hell was Hux in your bed?

“What the hell?”

“Y/N,” he grumbled as his eyes opened, “I’m sorry about this weird situation. I only have a bed in my apartment. I hope you’re not upset that I slept next to you,” he said.

“Oh,” you frowned.

“What happened last night? Before I found you?”

You sighed. Did you really want to tell Hux? You could have. The only problem was that it wasn’t your secret to reveal. Hux might not have known about Ben’s drug problem. If you told him, it would ensure Kylo’s well-being, you thought. He could die from an overdose or suffer severe side effects from withdrawals. You didn’t want that kind of guilt on your hands.

But, last night, you had made yourself clear - Kylo Ren’s problems were no longer yours.

At the same time, it was important that he found the help he needed.

You slapped your own face. You were so conflicted. Should you betray Kylo’s trust? Did he even trust you? What was going on?

“I’m going running this morning. When I get back, I’ll make breakfast. You look exhausted,” Hux said, rolling to the side. He probably put both feet on the floor before he stood up.

It was true - you felt like you had been hit by a truck. Exhaustion wasn’t even the right term for it. After you’d walked into his apartment, you had spent the majority of the night sobbing quietly. Hux had held you while you cried. He had spent the whole night, rubbing your back, and whispering comforting words to you.

Why wasn’t he as tired as you were? You could feel your eyelids lowering. You were ready to sleep again.

You watched as he scratched at his messy head of red hair. You had to admit that in this light, he looked attractive. He was standing around in nothing but a pair of tight boxers. You could see his defined muscles on his small body. He turned to the side and you noticed that you could see the thickness of his chest taper off to his small belly. He was fit. It would have been impossible to see with all the layers he usually wore. You watched as he ruffled through a pile of clothes on his dresser. His back muscles flexed as he moved. It was truly an amazing sight.

With a fresh set of clothing in his hands, he approached the bed again and lightly stroked your face with the back of his fingertips. His smooth nails glided against your skin.

“Get some more sleep,” he pleaded.

You couldn’t hold your eyes open any longer. You drifted back to sleep.

* * *

 

Ben checked his cell phone for the fifth time in three minutes. Hux was already five minutes late. In their years of friendship, Ben had never known Hux to be late. He had the same kind of issue that Ben had - he was always either ten minutes early or exactly on time. Being late just wasn’t an option.

He bounced on his feet.

Usually, Ben wasn’t one to appreciate nature. Since he had some time to kill, he decided to take in the area around him. He could hear birds singing a song without words. A cool wind whispered through the holes between the leaves on the trees. The sun wasn’t high in the sky just yet; but, by the end of their jog, it probably would be.

For the first time in a long time, Ben almost felt completely at peace with himself.

That was until Ben felt a light tap on his shoulder.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Hux said. A wide smile had spread across his face.

The only thought that ran through Ben’s mind was that Hux looked like an idiot. He didn’t look normal with a smile on his face. It was disturbing.

It set Ben off into a whirlwind of thought. It shattered his sense of peace.

Why was he so happy? Ben couldn’t help but be annoyed by the unusual grin on Hux’s face. Did something happen last night?

That’s when it hit him like a ton of bricks - he knew exactly what happened last night. There would be no other reason why Hux would smile like that.

“Are you alright?” Hux asked.

Ben didn’t respond. He was flooded with emotion. He remembered standing in the rain last night. He had seen you kiss Hux. God, it was so obvious. Why hadn’t he put the pieces of the puzzle together earlier?

You and Hux slept together.

He felt his lip twitch before he spoke.

“You go on ahead, I have to finish stretching,” Ben said.

Hux nodded and set off jogging down the path.

Why did you sleep with him?

Ben hobbled over to the side of the trail. He braced his hands on his knees.

It could have been any man but… you picked Hux, who was his best friend. Why? He could feel the bile rising from his stomach. For fuck’s sake, Ben was falling in love with you and was ready to say it to your face. That’s why he slept with that random girl at the club: he had to know he was falling in love with you. He had to prove it wasn’t just a stupid crush.

Then, he had spiraled out of control when he realized he took no pleasure in being with someone else. He could only think of that little smile you always had on your face. Yours was just as mysterious and haunting as the Mona Lisa.

He was ready to tell you everything. He ran his fingers through his hair as he thought about what he’d said to you. He’d just blurted it out.

I had sex with someone while I was gone. What a dumb thing to say!

Then again, he hadn’t exactly been clean when he told you. Could he be held responsible for his poor choice of words? Probably not - he was on a high. He felt like he was on top of the world.

If it counted for anything, he had told the truth. He did sleep with a woman while he was gone. He had to get it out there. Phasma had always indicated that being truthful was the foundation of a great relationship.

She was completely wrong about that!

How had you responded to the truth? By running off with another man. That wasn’t what he wanted! Not at all! Ben pulled at his hair.

He didn’t want to think about why Hux had been late. What if you were…? He didn’t want to think of you pleasuring another man.

At the same time, he didn’t blame you for running off with Hux. He certainly didn’t blame Hux either. You were both consenting adults.

Ben knew this was all his fault. If he hadn’t been high then this mess wouldn’t have happened.

Ben hated himself.

Like a moth to a flame, he was stuck inside of a vicious self-deprecating cycle. He couldn’t escape from the sickening thoughts of you… doing so much more than kissing Hux…

He expelled the contents of his stomach onto the ground.

“Fuck,” he groaned and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Was this because of his anxiety about you leaving him? Was it a withdrawal from the Ecstasy? It could have been from his lack of sleep; however, it also could have been that he was jealous of the thought of you being intimate with another man. It could have been anything!

Ben was so unstable and he knew it. This situation had opened an entire can of worms in his mind. He was manic.

He panted, staring at the ground in front of him. Fuck, get it under control, Ben. He had spent the whole night, crying on his floor. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning.

He had it bad for you.

A sigh escaped from his lips as he straightened back into a standing position. He shook his head. For whatever reason, his body felt a little better. He couldn’t say the same for his mind though. His brain was still clogged with a swirl of anxiety, sadness, and anger.

He returned to the trail and began jogging. It would be easy for him to catch up to Hux.

In a matter of minutes, Ben was next to Hux. The pair jogged in a comfortable silence for nearly an hour before returning to the beginning of the trail.

“Hey, did you want to come over to my apartment and join Y/N and I for breakfast?” Hux offered.

He could feel his stomach churning again. He couldn’t see you now – not after he’d known you’d had sex with another man. He would have hurt someone.

No, he would have to change his plan. He’d have to be better for you and figure out how to win you back.

“No,” Ben snapped at Hux. He relaxed though after a second, realizing that he was being a dick to his only friend, “I can’t. I have to practice for the tour.”

“Oh,” Hux frowned, “Another time, I suppose?”

“Yeah.”

Ben watched as Hux turned and started walking back towards his apartment.

He couldn’t help but feel upset about how he acted as he turned and made the short walk back to his studio. He wanted to see you and apologize. He wanted to fix this whole mess. And, now that you had run off to Hux, it was just much more complex. He wasn’t sure how he’d be able to fix this… or if he even could fix it. Fear was coursing through his veins.

He’d never be able to get you back.

He didn’t want to feel so hopeless and anxious but there was nothing he could do to help it. His chest heaved wildly as he tried to contain his thoughts. He had tried to talk to a therapist once but that only led to drugs that made him feel dead on the inside. It was just as bad as trying to battle the madness inside of him, if not worse.

He walked in through the door of his apartment. He hadn’t even realized something was wrong until he saw his piano, rotating in his vision.

He walked towards it and his hand grabbed at the smooth top. He tried to stabilize himself. It was of no use.

The world spun.

“Shit, what the hell?” he said to no one.

He wasn’t feeling right again. He could feel sweat trickling down his back, like he had ran a marathon. He shouldn’t have still been pouring sweat. He glanced downwards and noticed the floor wasn’t below his feet anymore. Instead, it was shifting constantly.

It was a ripple effect. Sure, he had stopped taking the pills; however, that didn’t mean he would stop feeling the effects of his actions.

He struggled to pull his cell phone from his pocket.

This was a bad withdrawal. He’d been through a few before and the most important thing he needed to do was get help.

He pressed three on his cell phone, which speed dialed the only person that would want to talk to him right now.

She picked up on the first ring.

“Hello?”

“Phasma,” he said. The phone slipped out of his hands and he heard it hit something, but he wasn’t sure where it was. He couldn’t speak. It felt like someone had poured sand down his throat.

He couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he called his first entry in his speed dial - you. Would you have answered his call? Or would you be busy making breakfast with Hux?

He didn’t have a long time to think about the endless possibilities.

He lost control of his body. It fell slack as his vision was reduced to complete darkness. His head collided with the edge of his piano. He couldn’t even feel it, though - He couldn’t feel the blood gushing from the large gash. He was already lost in the darkness. He was still conscious, to an extent. He could see a starry sky, flashing behind his eyelids.

He was having a seizure.

He landed with a hard thud on the floor. He had lost control of his entire body as he convulsed wildly.

* * *

 

You picked up your spoon and flung the pancake batter at Hux.

“Stop it, Y/N!” he shouted. “You’re making a mess!”

You rolled your eyes. No wonder he worked in a frozen yogurt shop - It made sense now. His heart was the same temperature as the yogurt… frozen. He wasn’t that much fun. You put the spoon back into the batter.

Whereas, you could see yourself making pancakes with Kylo Ren and doing the exact same thing. He would laugh and smile. He did look outrageously handsome when he smiled. His brown eyes would light up. It would have felt so right…

Stop thinking about him.

You went back to stirring the batter.

Just then, Hux’s cell phone rang. He flipped the pancake in the pan before grabbing his phone off the counter.

“Hello?”

There was a disturbing amount of silence for about a minute. Something was very wrong. Hux wasn’t saying anything. He wasn’t moving.

“Is he stable, though?”

He waited again. You couldn’t hear the other half of the conversation.

“Okay, I’ll be down to the hospital soon,” he glanced at you, “I’ll be there soon. Don’t leave him alone. Bye.”

He sighed, “There’s been a change of plans. I need to head to the hospital.”

“Oh. Alright.”

“You’re welcome to stay here if you’d like or I could give you a ride home?”

You frowned. You had definitely overstayed your welcome. Besides, you needed to get home.

“No, I’ll just walk home. Thanks, though.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Although, you had a feeling in the pit of your stomach that whatever happened to someone that Hux knew - well, it was bad. You knew it was bad enough that you probably wouldn’t hear for him for a few days.

And, surprisingly, you were okay with that.

The space would give you an opportunity to mull things over. You did have a lot to think about. Were you really done with Kylo Ren, or Ben, or whatever you wanted to call him? Were you interested in Hux? Did you just want to be alone?

“Can I call you later?”

You weren’t sure how to answer that. The only thing that you were sure about was that you needed to get out of Hux’s apartment. You needed to do it now… before you said something stupid. You grabbed your things and rushed out the door before he could say another word to you.


	6. Chapter 6

Two weeks.

That’s how long it had been since you last talked to Phasma, Hux, or Kylo Ren. You flipped your cell phone over in your hand a few times.

Technically, you had heard from Phasma. She had canceled your lessons via email because of a sick family member. Hux had responded to all your texts with one-word answers; and, sometimes, he didn’t even respond at all. You were isolated.

You stopped flipping your phone in your hand when you came to a sudden realization: there weren’t any other options left.

You went into your contacts and dialed Kylo’s number.

It rang for a few moments before the line clicked on.

“The mailbox is full and cannot accept messages at this time. Goodbye.”

You pulled the phone away from your face. The robot had already hung up the call. Seconds ticked away as you stared at the blackened screen.

That was weird.

He usually answered his phone when you called. The only exception to that rule was if he was in a recording session or performing. You wouldn’t have blamed him for not picking up after that argument two weeks ago. You would have been fine if you could have left him a voicemail.

You couldn’t leave him a voicemail – that concerned you. His mailbox was full. And, in the two years that you’d known Kylo Ren, he never had allowed his mailbox to fill.

Something was wrong.

You sighed as you turned on your phone. You had promised yourself you weren’t going to stalk him online but you were worried about him. Was he okay? You nibbled on your nails. If he had overdosed, it would be your fault because you never told Phasma or Hux about his problem.

The anxiety was eating away at you and had to do something about it.

You typed his name into Google and clicked search.

You needed to know…

In seconds, hundreds of articles popped up on your screen. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but you focused on the first headline.

Kylo Ren checked into rehab.

“What the fuck?” you said out loud.

You clicked and followed the link.

Did go to rehab and check himself in? Or did someone else do it? Why hadn’t he told you? He could have even just sent you a quick text message.

He really didn’t even owe you that, though. He didn’t owe you anything with the way you had treated him… You had stormed out on him like a child with a temper tantrum. You hadn’t even let him finish talking to you. Concern flooded your veins - what if he had more to say to you?  
This had been your problem for the last two weeks. You were definitely overthinking everything, as per usual.

You sighed when the link finally loaded. At least this would help satiate your curiosity.

The first thing you saw was a picture of Ben from a photoshoot. He was leaned up against the piano, with one hand clutching a chunk of his thick hair. His eyes glowed with happiness. The photographer captured a handsome picture of Ben. You smiled at the way his eyes wrinkled at the corners.

Seeing him truthfully happy distracted you from the headline for a few seconds.

Classical pianist, Kylo Ren, otherwise known as Ben Solo, has checked into a rehab facility as of today. His mother, Leia Organa, and father, Han Solo, have both declined to comment. An anonymous source close to the pianist said he “decided to enter the facility after talks with his close friends, family, managers, and doctors.” 

The source has not confirmed whether or not the woman (pictured below) has anything to do with his sudden realization.

It was a blurry shot but you would recognize a picture of yourself anywhere. It was taken the night of your argument with him. You could see your damp clothing sticking to your body under that heavy downpour. And, the shot revealed that Kylo Ren was trailing a bit behind you. You couldn’t exactly see what he held in his hands.

And that’s when you dropped your phone. 

He had followed you that night. You bit your lip in frustration. You didn’t even notice him… How long had he followed you? Had he seen you kiss Hux? Did he see you walk back to Hux’s apartment?

You bent over and picked up your phone from the floor.

You could feel your heart melting inside of your chest: he did care. You brought your phone close to your face as you tried to identify what he held in his hands. A single silent tear slipped out of your eyes. He cared enough about you to follow you in the rain with your stupid rain boots.

You groaned. This was your worst nightmare coming true. How could this be happening? Why was this happening right now?

The pianist will be in recovery for the next 90 days at the Sunset Hills Rehab Center.

That was only a twenty-minute walk from your home. You didn’t really even process that you were going to the rehab facility until you were halfway there.

You stopped suddenly.

Would they even let you in to see him? Did he want to see you? You silently hoped that he would. Otherwise, you weren’t sure how the two of you would be able to continue… whatever you had going on.


	7. Chapter 7

You shielded your eyes from the bright camera flashes. When celebrities walked any red carpet, they would smile and pivot effortlessly. It was as if they weren’t staring into a sea of cameras and reporters. They seemed immune. The crippling anxiety of having hundreds of people watching them didn’t exist.

You, unfortunately, were not so lucky.

“Is Kylo Ren a good kisser?”

“Mystery girl! Are you just a friend?”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

You rolled your eyes and continued towards the doors of the rehab facility. Yes, he was a wonderful kisser. Of course, no one in their right mind would willingly admit that their crush was a great kisser to total strangers. On top of that, who would waste time explaining their shitty romantic situation to a group of reporters?

What were you and Kylo, technically? He certainly wasn’t your boyfriend, even though he consumed your thoughts. If he wasn’t a boyfriend, could you call him a friend? You weren’t certain of that either.

You wrapped your fingers around the handle and pulled the door open.

The paparazzi weren’t allowed to follow you into the safety of the building.

“Hi,” you said to the woman sitting at the counter.

She didn’t respond to you for a few moments. Instead, she was typing away on her computer keyboard. It was as if she didn’t even care that you were waiting there. You stared at her wrinkled face - actually, it almost looked more like a beige leather boot that had been through hell and back.

Either way, you didn’t really care about what she looked like. You wanted to see Ben. Impatience crept up on you.

You cleared your throat.

“Who are you here to visit?”

“Kylo,” you stopped yourself. That’s when you realized that he probably checked in using his first name. “Ben Solo. I’m a friend.”

She scoffed, “Oh yeah, I see you’re here on my list… you and the other fifty people standing outside with cameras.” She adjusted the thick rimmed glasses on her face before going back to typing.

As if sensing your frustration, she stopped typing and returned her gaze to you. She stared at you with no emotion on her wrinkled face.

Was that some sort of challenge? She blinked at you; it was as if she was expecting that you would back down.

“Look,” you irritably responded, “I know I’m on your list. Y/N L/N?”

She looked down at her computer and her eyes widened in shock. You must have been right, for once in your life.

The elderly woman’s demeanor quickly shifted.

“I’m so sorry, Ms. L/N,” the woman said as she jumped out of her seat, “If you’ll follow me right this way, I will take you to his room.”

You didn’t respond to her. Instead, you quietly followed behind her through the maze of the facility. She stopped outside a door and knocked twice.

“He may be more anxious and irritable than before he checked in,” she said. She juggled a set of keys in her hands You watched as her wrinkled hand turned the handle and opened the room.

It was almost dreamlike inside. The entire room appeared to be drenched in beige paint. This was only interrupted briefly with hazelnut accents. The one thing that seemed out of place in the room was Kylo Ren. His hair was unkempt, more so than usual, and it appeared as if he hadn’t slept in days. He was curled into a ball, in the center of the bed, with his head buried between his legs. He rolled back and forth.

“Ben?” you said, pushing around the woman.

You walked over to him and placed your hand lightly on his arm.

He stopped rocking.

“Visiting hours are over in two hours,” the woman interrupted.

You tore your eyes away from Ben. She did appear genuinely upset by the sight in front of her. You watched as she closed the door.

Now, what?

You removed your hand. It was time to talk to him; however, whether he wanted to talk back or not was his decision to make.

“Hi,” you said quietly.

He picked his head up from between his legs.

Had he been crying? The bloodshot appearance of his eyes seemed to suggest that. Then again, you had been doing some research in your spare time to better understand Ecstasy and the effects of withdrawal. The thing that scared you the most was that it caused so many emotional side effects. Ben wasn’t emotionally stable to begin with. Would he be okay?

You could see his chest heaving as if it was incredibly difficult for him to breathe.

“Y/N,” he whispered.

You gently placed your hand on his back. You rubbed small circles there, in an attempt to calm him down.

He leaned his head against your shoulder.

“Why are you here?” he said.

“Because I care about you.”

It was the truth – you did care about Ben. You cared more than you were willing to admit.

He didn’t respond. You glanced downwards at his chest. Thankfully, your quiet breathing had slowed substantially.

You held him for what felt like hours.

It was as if the two of you were the only people in the world. Nothing else mattered. You couldn’t care less about the reporters stationed just outside the building or that you’d been thrown into the spotlight.

You decided to lay back on the bed and he came with you. His head rested on your shoulder as he cried, refusing to look at you. His warm arms wrapped around your body. 

All you could do for him, at that moment in time, was hold him in your arms and let him cry. For the first time in days, you had felt like this was where you supposed to be.

You allowed your eyes to flutter closed. It felt so warm and so right to be there with Ben. You never wanted to leave that moment. And, after a few minutes, you both were fast asleep in each others embrace.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: My mom asked me if my phone wallpaper was a picture of my boyfriend. It’s Adam Driver… I was like “God, if only.” Anyways, here’s a new part of our story. It’s a little bit longer. :) Enjoy.

Your nose twitched. Almost automatically, your hand went to your nose, rubbing vigorously. It still twitched. It was like someone was holding a feather right underneath your nose, trying to get you to sneeze so that you would wipe shaving cream all over your face.

You opened your eyes.

You’d fallen asleep next to Ben. You didn’t make any attempt to move away from him at that point - it really wasn’t possible. He was holding you in an odd hug: one of his hands held your hip against him and the other was somewhere behind your head. There was also the distinct feeling of something incredibly warm resting against the lower part of your abdomen.

Focus. You needed to figure out what was tickling your nose. The gentle trickle of his breath against your neck made you realize how it was happening. A few wild strands of his hair fluttered in front of your nose, causing it to twitch.

So, his hair had been the culprit…

You gently pushed the majority of his hair back, being careful not to disturb his sleep. It had become easier to see his face. His peaceful expression was a stark contrast from most of the expressions you’d seen on his face. You gasped sharply.

What the hell was that?

You hadn’t noticed it before. How could you miss it? Well, the room had been impossibly dark when you came in yesterday. But, now, in the morning light, it blared like the siren of an ambulance.

An angry and red crevice had formed across his pale face.

“How,” you whispered. 

You were completely stumped.

What possible explanation could there be for such a large and painful wound?

He wouldn’t hurt himself like that, would he? You flinched at the thought. Had he become so angry that a fissure had formed on his face? You also doubted that.

Was there some sort of accident that happened after the last time you had seen him? A feeling of dread pooled in your stomach. What if it was because of you?

“How did this happen?”

As if sensing you asked him something, he mumbled nonsensical words in response. He was still fast asleep.

Scar and all, he was still Kylo Ren to you. He was still the same Ben - the one who would yell at you for using your index finger instead of your middle finger in the middle of a piece. He was still the same man you had fallen for when you had met him.

You couldn’t think about that now. Your mind muted itself after a few moments.

You needed to be in the moment - in the now - so you focused yourself back on Ben. You quietly gasped again. This time, you were awe-struck by the intricate details of his face.

It was a similar feeling to when you’d seen a famous painting online. You would recognize the piece if you saw it in person, from a distance. At the same time, you would never recognize it from up close. You didn’t know every intimate detail of the brush strokes of a masterpiece.

The natural light that flooded his face gave his skin a softer quality than it normally had. It almost looked like his face was made of weathered stone - the surface was smooth, for the most part, and all just about the same color.

Your eyes bounced around his face. That was completely normal, though. Being up this close, you could see so much more. You’d never noticed the deep brown freckles that splattered his pale skin. Specifically, your eyes were drawn to two that were close together. They were situated just above the hair of his eyebrow.

You felt his warm hardness twitch against your body. You suppressed a moan. It was probably just the right size…

Your vision focused on his eyelids that fluttered open.

His big brown eyes stared back at you as a soft moan escaped his lips. The gold flecks that peppered his eyes looked dazzling in the morning light. You could see his eyes dilating and adjusting to the bright light.

“Good morning,” he rumbled.

You felt your lips curl upwards.

“Hi.”

In less than a second, his lips found yours. He kissed you so softly as if he was afraid that you’d break if you did anything any harder than that. It was a closed mouth kiss, thankfully, so you didn’t freak out too much over having morning breath. Your hands jumped to either side of his face, holding him there. God, he was a fantastic kisser. He took your lower lip into his mouth and gently sucked on it for a few moments. It was pure bliss. You could get used to waking up next to him in the morning…

His hand that was resting on your hip moved to cradle your head as he continued to press soft kisses to your lips. You moved impossibly closer to him by throwing your leg over his hip and grinding yourself against him.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he pressed his hips right back into you.

You needed more than just a cute little kiss and so didn’t Ben.

However, as if a switch had been flipped, Ben suddenly stopped and pulled away. He gently pushed your leg off of his hip and turned his body away from you.

“No,” he said.

“No… what?”

You stared at his muscular back for a few moments, just watching it move slightly as he breathed. What was wrong? You frowned. You had thought the two of you had a breakthrough yesterday. Sure, he didn’t exactly apologize for the way he acted towards you during your last lesson, but for some reason, you had already forgiven him.

You rested your palm against his back. His skin felt so soft and warm underneath.

You lifted your index finger and tapped him twice.

“I want to play something,” he said.

You watched as he simply stood up. He didn’t turn back to look at you in the bed. His hands grabbed a shirt from the top of the dresser and he yanked it on over his head, covering his upper torso.

He then exited the room, leaving the door open behind him. He must have wanted you to follow him.

You jumped out of the bed and glanced at your reflection in the mirror. You didn’t look awful, but you didn’t look your best. It was a slept-in kind of look. Not extremely flattering, but it would have to do. Oh well. It didn’t matter anyway.

You walked through the doorway and followed him through the maze. How did he know his way around so well? Maybe he had been here longer than you’d thought. He walked at a steady pace until you reached an open archway. He turned inside.

You followed right behind him, matching his pace easily.

The room was covered in floral carpeting and had a bunch of couches and tables placed in random locations. The dull appearance of the room reminded you of the interior of an elderly person’s house. It was dated and faded.

You stopped walking.

What really caught your attention was the beautiful floor to ceiling windows. You could see a beautiful landscape just outside. The overwhelmingly green grass rolled on and on for what seemed like miles. It disappeared into a tree line.

It was absolutely gorgeous.

Then, your eyes followed Ben, who was already sitting at the large piano in the room. He closed his eyes and his fingers danced effortlessly across the keys.

You could just feel the unresolved tension course through you. There was a cloud of emotions that you were having a hard time working through. What did this piece really sound like?

A beautiful melancholic melody soared above the rest of the music. You were frozen in place, a few feet in front of the piano. Underneath there was a murmur of notes in the left hand. Your heart dropped into your shoes. The piece sounded so sad and so filled with longing. It was pleading… for what, you weren’t exactly sure.

All you knew was that Ben was telling a story.

You had never heard this piece before.

Your eyes darted over to him. You couldn’t really see it from this angle, but you could tell that his fingers expertly moved over the keys. He didn’t need to stare at his hands to ensure he would hit the right notes.

A realization struck you like a brick being thrown at your head.

He wasn’t playing something he or anyone else had written down. He was playing what he felt - his emotions poured out. That took a skill that you didn’t possess. This is what made him such a great pianist. It was his ability to transform his emotions into something so gut-wrenchingly sublime.

As if sensing your stare, his fingers slowed until his eyes connected with yours.

Why was he stopping? Your face contorted. He ceased playing the piano.

He angrily slammed his palms against the keys. You jumped in alarm. He wasn’t one to ever act out against a piano. He stood up in a flurry and turned to face the large glass windows.

You tripped forwards towards him.

“Kylo? Are you alright?” you asked. Your first instinct was to reach out and touch him; however, you didn’t, sensing that he might lash out at you, in the same way that he had done with the piano.

But, in the window, you could faintly see the reflection of his scar-less half of his face. It was as if the scar didn’t exist at all.

“Y/N, I don’t want you to…” he started. He stopped and turned so you now could only see the back of his head. His hair fell in soft waves; however, it was different from the way it had always been. It was a bit longer than usual.

“You can’t look at this face,” he choked out.

Of course, you didn’t need to look at his face to know that he was the same man he had always been. Scar or no scar, he was still Ben. How would you explain that to him? How could he not understand that, to you, he was the same man you were falling for.

He swallowed loudly before continuing. “It’s the face of a monster,” he admitted, “I am a monster. I made a choice and there’s no coming back from it.”

“Ben…” you gently placed your hand on his shoulder, trying to turn his body towards you. He needed to see your eyes when you finally told him how you really felt.

He needed to know you were falling for him. You hoped that would be enough for him to see that the choice he made wasn’t irreversible.

He violently bounced your hand off his shoulder.

“Leave,” he said.

He wasn’t being serious: he couldn’t have been serious. After everything that happened… he wanted you to leave? You watched as he turned away from the window.

He stood facing you. He stared into your eyes as if he was looking for something - but what?

You couldn’t figure that out now. The most important task was focusing on what was in front of you.

He was, in fact, crying. He looked so vulnerable at that moment. If you could just… You reached out again to touch him but he stepped backward. 

“Just go!” he shouted.

“No,” you shot back.

Your hands pressed against his chest and pushed him into the wall. This time, you weren’t just going to run away from his emotions or your emotions. Instead, you would face them head on.

You pressed a little harder against his chest with your palms.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Excuse me,” a deep voice sounded in the room, “You need to remove your hands from my client, right now.”

You raised your brow and dropped your hands, “And, who the hell are you?”

You turned around and nearly screamed. The man in front of you was simply ghastly. His head looked like a wrinkled egg, marred with an abundance of scars. His exposed skin looked so thin and fragile. He must have been old.

“Snoke,” he spat, “Leave before I call the police.”

“She can stay,” Ben said.

Snoke’s face twitched in a challenging manner.

That changed Ben’s mind.

“You should really go,” he whispered in your ear.

You heaved a long sigh. Snoke? Wasn’t that was his manager? You glared at the man. He was the reason Ben was here in the first place. That idiot had made him start using again. You rolled your eyes and stormed out of the room. You were so angry. You really couldn’t do anything about the situation, though. Snoke was Ben’s manager and basically owned his soul.

You were so angry that you didn’t even notice one of the staff members until you walked right into her.

“Pardon!” she shouted, dropping a vase onto the floor.

“It was my fault,” you said.

“No, no! I wasn’t watching where I was going,” her strange British accent stuck out to you. She smiled brightly at you.

You wouldn’t make her pick up all the flowers on her own. That’d just be mean. You bent over at the hip and helped her pick up the flowers that had flown all over the floor. Thankfully, the vase hadn’t shattered.

“Thank you for your help,” she said. You glanced down at her nametag that read Rey.

“You’re welcome, Rey.”

She smiled brightly, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No, thank you.” There really wasn’t anything that she could do about Ben or Snoke meeting. She couldn’t cheer you up. You were finally ready to tell Ben but the timing just wasn’t right… your shoulders deflated.

The strong mask of anger that you had worn as you left slid from your face. You felt defeated.

She frowned, “How about a cup of tea?”

You shook your head, “I have to get going. Thank you, though.” You made your way down the hallway, hopefully towards the exit of this crazy maze of a building.

“Wait!”

You turned around. Rey was coming right at you, brandishing an uncapped Sharpie in her hand. She lifted your arm and began writing numbers on it, without asking your permission.

“If you need someone to talk to, just know that I’m here for you. You can call me whenever you’d like to. Please, don’t hesitate.”

You weakly smiled, “Thank you.”

With that, you lightly tugged your arm from her grip. You turned and made your way towards the exit.

You needed to go home.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I just ate the most amazing grilled cheese. I’m also listening to Hamilton and just being a complete loser. Anyways, here’s part 9. I think there’s only going to be one more chapter for this story. Pretty sure…!

“Three, one, two, one,” Phasma corrected you.

You blinked as you stopped your robotic playing.

“What?”

“Your fingers. Right hand.”

You sighed. Of course, you weren’t paying attention to your fingers.

It was hard to play when you had no motivation. There was nothing behind your playing - no emotion. It just sounded like a mess of notes. It wasn’t musical.

It had been over a month since your visit to the rehab center. You didn’t know what was happening to Ben and you really didn’t want to know. You avoided looking up his name to read news stories and talking to Hux…

What were you doing?

You were running away from your problems, yet again.

It was showing in your playing, too. You weren’t practicing as much as you normally did. For the most part, you would sit at your piano and just space out. You would think about Ben…

You weren’t into this anymore. It just didn’t feel right. Playing piano felt so mundane: it was like you were going to the store every day and buying the same thing. There was no sense of satisfaction.

“I don’t know what to do with you, Y/N,” she admitted quietly.

“I don’t either.”

You had locked down your emotions - it wasn’t worth it to feel anything anymore. It was impossible to carry around the pain of losing someone who truly cared about you. So, instead of crying and moping around all day long, you simply pushed it all away. Everything you felt was swept under the rug.

You looked up from the piano and out the window. There was nothing you could say to respond to Phasma.

Ben.

He was all the way across the street, talking with Hux. You could see his hair was in a state of extreme disarray. It was shorter than the last time you’d seen him. His scar was on clear display in that moment.

His eyes drifted away from Hux, as if he sensed that you were staring at him.

His face contorted in pain; however, he didn’t pull his eyes away from you.

You couldn’t push your emotions away anymore. The dam that held them at bay suddenly cracked. You could feel pain and the sadness hitting you harder than ever before. You watched as Ben rolled his lips into his mouth. He looked downwards and your eyes followed.

In his hands, he held a familiar pair of rain boots.

Oh my God.

You were drowning.

“I need to go,” you croaked at Phasma.

“What?”

“I need to go,” you repeated as you stood from the bench.

“Y/N, I don’t think you should-”

You stumbled away from the piano and pushed your way out of her studio.

“Wait!” she shouted.

You pushed the door closed behind you. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to walk across the street to confront Ben. How long had he been out of rehab? Where did he find your rain boots?

He was still standing in the same spot.

“Ben,” you shouted.

Then, you watched as he gave the boots to Hux.

“I have to go,” he said to Hux and he quickly started walking in the opposite direction.

“Stop!”

He kept walking.

Your feet finally allowed you to move. Before you knew it, you were running across the empty street and you were right behind him.

“You were there. You followed me that night.”

He stopped.

“So?”

You stopped and swallowed deeply. So? Did it even matter to him anymore? Did he even care?

“Ben,” your hand touched his shoulder.

He turned around to face you. You dropped your hand away.

“I don’t want anything to do with you,” he said in a bored tone. “Hux has your boots. We can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

“Good bye, Y/N.”

The two of you stood there, gazing at each other. You couldn’t hear anything else but the sound of your heart pounding against your chest. What was happening? His voice indicated that he was callous and cold; however, his face contradicted those facts.

His eyes watered. It was an act. He wasn’t moving. Something was forcing this to happen - but what?

“I’m sorry,” he pleaded.

“Why are you doing this?”

He stepped closer to you before cupping your face in your hands

“I need to,” he said. His thumbs rubbed your face so gently. Why did he need to do this?

“No! You don’t, Ben. Tell me what’s going on.”

He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. Did you need that kiss? No. Did you want it? Yes. You closed your eyes and allowed yourself to savor the feeling of his lips against your skin.

It ended before you would have liked it to. His lips were replaced by his forehead. He lightly rested it against yours.

The warmth of his breath rolled over your lips. What was going on? You opened your eyes. His eyes were so amazing up close. You noticed the familiar warm brown color taking up your vision.

You missed this - you missed him.

“I have to.”

Was he crying… or was it your own tears that had made your face wet? There was no way to be certain.

“I love you.”

Your body felt like it was on fire. He loved you? Ben loved you? And yet, he didn’t want anything to do with you? This didn’t make any sense.

“This is goodbye.”

He released his hands from your cheeks. He turned and he started walking away.

“No!” you shouted at him. Of course, you tried to follow him, but you were being held back. He turned the corner and disappeared from your sight. You willed yourself to move forward. It was useless.

You turned to your sides and noticed Phasma and Hux, pulling you away from Ben.

“What the hell are you doing?” you shouted at them, “Let me go!”

“No,” Hux grunted.

“It’s for your own good,” Phasma said.

For your own good? What the hell did that even mean! You didn’t even get a chance to tell him what you needed to say.

“I love you, too,” you shouted into the night air.

Unfortunately, Ben didn’t hear that. You were sure. If he had, he would have come running back… he didn’t come running back.

* * *

 

Ben slammed the door behind him. Why did he have to listen to Snoke? He didn’t want to break up with you. That was the exact opposite of what he really wanted to do.

He dropped his keys and his wallet onto the counter.

He wanted to invite you over to his apartment and treat you to a candle lit dinner. He would have made your favorite meal. He would have treated you like royalty.

He wanted to be unbelievably cliché when he told you how he felt about you.

He didn’t want it to just slip out… like it did… when he was trying to push you away.

“Fuck!”

He grabbed one of his trophies off the counter and threw it across the room. It thudded against the wall and flopped on to the floor.

It was the truth, though. He was certain of it now.

However, saying goodbye was the only way to protect you from Snoke. It was important that you weren’t in his life anymore and that everyone knew about it. Snoke would have used his influences to ensure that you were out of his life - permanently.

He groaned as he glanced down to the pills in his hand.

Was it worth it?

He rolled them back and forth in his hands.

Would this ensure your safety?

He wasn’t sure. That was the scariest part. Snoke wasn’t the type of man to keep his word... would you be safe?

He could only hope… or could he?

He smirked when a thought came to mind - he knew how he could get out of his contract with Snoke and keep you safe. You meant the world and so much more to him. He didn’t care about himself at that point.

He was willing to sacrifice everything he was to ensure that you wouldn’t be harmed –

And, that’s exactly what he did.


	10. Chapter 10 / Epilogue

Ben stared out at the orchestra, watching the violin section moving their bows in perfect unison.

He’d ruin this performance - like a wrestler throwing a match. It was the only way to get out of his contract with Snoke. If he performed poorly for the next few concerts, he would lose popularity. His life would go down the drain.

He had convinced himself that it was worth it, though. He ran his hand through his smoothed back hair. In his mind, having the chance to be with you was worth his entire career and everything he worked for in life.

The scariest part was that he didn’t care about anything else except for you. He didn’t think about whether or not his little plan would work. He was blinded by his emotions.

He ran his sweat-covered hands against his tux pants.

I love you, too.

Those words were woven into all of his dreams in the past two weeks. In all that time, he tried everything he could to distract himself from your admission of your feelings; and yet, he couldn’t shake the words.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this way about another human being. His heart fluttered inside his chest.

He loved you and you loved him.

The loud sounds of the audience clapping startled Ben out of his thoughts.

He looked down and noticed his bowtie was a little off center. His hands shook as he readjusted his bowtie - he moved it up and down, side to side before giving up on it. It would always be crooked.

“Ready?” the conductor asked.

He was determined to complete his task - it was now or never.

Ben nodded in response before slipping out from the backstage area and onto the stage.

The crowd roared like it always did when he walked on stage. Usually, he would stop and shake hands with the first violinist. Tonight, he didn’t. He headed straight for the grand piano in front of the entire orchestra.

He bowed his head slightly towards the audience before sitting at the piano. The lid to the keys was already open. He turned to face the conductor.

Someone had forgotten to open the piano lid.

He took a deep breath and stood, lifting the heavy lid with his right hand. Where was the stick? He fished around inside the piano for a few moments. His fingers brushed against a few of the strings. The stick of the piano wasn’t in its usual place.

His mind wandered for a moment.

“What the hell?” he whispered as he looked inside. It looked completely normal except for the fact that there was no stick inside of it. No wonder the lid wasn’t open.

The heavy lid slipped out of his hands and he couldn’t move fast enough to catch it.

He could hear his own blood-curdling scream echo in the silent hall. It was followed by a series of gasps and shouts.

Ben could barely hear what was happening. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so much pain. It was like a truck had run his fingers over. He pulled his hand out from under the lid and stared at it.

It looked almost normal; however, he knew it wasn’t. He tried to move his fingers and all that moved was his thumb. They were probably broken.

Shit.

His vision went black as he lost consciousness.

* * *

 

Hours later, Ben woke up in the hospital. He shifted on the bed as he stared into the dark brown eyes of an unfamiliar doctor.

“Mr. Solo, I’m Dr. Dameron. You’ve broken four fingers on your left hand.”

“What?”

The doctor’s mouth settled into a straight line.

“They’re immobilized for the time being by the splints. You’ll need to keep them elevated and take pain relievers. With rest, it will take about 4-6 weeks for all of them to completely heal.”

“I don’t think you understand,” Ben responded, “I’m a pianist. This can’t be happening to me.”

“Your hand needs time to recover. Look, I’m very sorry, Mr. Solo, I did everything I could. However, you may never be able to play again.”

Ben couldn’t focus on his doctor’s face. Never be able to play again? He leaned back against the hospital bed.

This couldn’t be real. Was this another nightmare?

“I’ve scheduled a follow up appointment for you in a week for an x-ray to check progress. Other than that, you’re free to go. I’ll leave you to get dressed,” the doctor added before slipping out of the room.

Ben inhaled sharply as he looked down at his left hand. His fingers were bruised deep shades of purple and black. All four of his fingers were individually cradled inside of shiny silver and blue splints.

“I have terminated your contract.”

Ben looked away from his fingers to see Snoke, standing in front of him. He stared at the wrinkled old man.

“Why?”

“You’re of no use to me anymore. I’ve seen it before and you can’t recover from this,” Snoke said. “You will never play again. Goodbye, Ben.”

He hobbled out of the room and the heavy door quietly hissed closed behind him.

Ben couldn’t help the tears that fell from his eyes. His eyes stared at his swollen hand. This wasn’t how he wanted his career to end. He sniffled as he ran his right hand through his hair.

There was something good that came from all this pain - he had successfuly gotten out of his contract.

Was this the price he had to pay for happiness?

You pounded your fist against the door of the studio.

Was it true? Did Ben really break his hand? Did Snoke drop him from the label?

Your heart beat wildly inside of your chest. You had to know - it didn’t matter to you what Hux or Phasma had said about staying away.

Ben had lost everything and he needed someone to be there for him.

The door quietly creaked open.

”Ben?” you stared at his tear-riddled face. His hair was a complete mess on the top of his head. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.

You looked down to his hand which was swollen and bruised.

It was true.

”Y/N,” he said. He pulled you into his chest for a hug. His arms wrapped around you as he continued to cry.

”What happened?”

Ben groaned as he put a bit of distance between the two of you.

”I broke my fingers. Snoke dropped me from the label,” he whispered. He shook his head back and forth, “ Y/N, I have nothing left.”

That’s where Ben was wrong.

”You have me.”

You pressed a kiss to his lips. He moaned as he pulled you closer to him, running one hand through your hair. His lips were bent into a smile against yours.

Without another word, he pulled you inside of his studio and all the way to the piano.

You had never seen the piano closed and covered with a thick blanket… Then again, Ben probably wouldn’t be able to play for a month or so.

Your next thought hit you like a box of rocks - Snoke would only drop him from the label if he couldn’t play piano.

You watched as Ben knelt down and crawled underneath the piano. He disappeared under the blanket.

Ben was so weird. You didn’t really care though. You felt a smile creep up on your face as you crawled underneath with him. You loved him and all of his weirdness.

And, for the rest of the night, the two of you just laid there in each others arms, staring up at the wooden supports of the underside of the piano.

”We’ll get through this together,” you whispered against his chest.

He squeezed you gently in affirmation.

* * *

 

**Epilogue:**

The warmth of the summer breeze gently moved Ben’s hair in front of his face. He was seated at the piano, once again. Dr. Dameron had finally said he could try playing with his left hand again.

Of course, this was a moment you and Ben wanted to share with everyone. Hux and Phasma were both excitedly talking about the CD they would be putting out in a few weeks. The girl from the nursing home, Rey, was there and chatting with Dr. Dameron. Hell, and Dr. Dameron had brought his boyfriend, Finn.

You sucked in an anxious breath. All of you had been waiting for this moment for what seemed like an eternity.

“No matter what happens, I will still love you,” you said.

He turned away from the piano.

“I know.”

Laughter erupted in the small studio.

He turned away from you. You silently hoped that he could play again. He had lost one of the things he truthfully enjoyed in his life. You hadn’t seen him smile since that day.

He inhaled and exhaled as he hovered his left hand over the keys.

You watched as his index finger wiggled wildly above the key. It might have been due to the fact that he hadn’t moved his fingers like that in such a long time…

He let out a slight groan before he managed to press one key down.

The sound of the low pitch resonated throughout his studio.

He did it. You slid and sat on the piano bench next to him. You didn’t even realize you were crying until he lifted his hand from the keys to wipe your tears away. It was completely silent in the room, as if everyone was waiting for something else.

What were they waiting for?

His watery eyes stared into yours. You overcome with feelings of complete joy. Both of his hands grasped yours as he pressed kiss to your lips. You felt him pushing something onto your ring finger which made you break away from his kiss and look downwards.

He had slipped a small gold band on your index finger.

And that’s when cheers and applause erupted in the studio. He proposed to you!

“Ben,” you laughed through your tears. It was so surprising. Never in a million years would you think that you would end up being engaged to your piano teacher.

His brown eyes glistened as he stared at you.

“This is only the beginning,” he said.


End file.
